You aren’t connected! This is the message that periodically appears on my laptop screen. No, let’s be honest here…it’s appearing rather a lot, just of lately and it’s driving me ever so slightly demented![Story of my life!]
We pay for superfast, super-everything broadband and get super-nothing, most of the time. It’s about time I complained, but I feel so murderous at the moment that an automated complaint system would not do me any good. I would be in danger of smashing up my phone as I didn’t get any satisfaction from the robotic voice on the other end.
- Thank you for calling our complaints line.
- We’re sorry that you’re sorry, that you signed up with our sorry organisation.
- We take your complaints seriously and will endeavour to deal with them as seriously as we can seriously muster.
- We’re sorry that you’re having to wait…again!
- We’re currently experiencing a very high volume of complaints, due to our seriously crappy service that we continue to provide our customers with.Even though we promise them the moon and stars, charge them the earth, tie them into long contracts, mislead them with our adverts and then do bugger all about it when they complain.
- You are currently 50,0020 in the queue.
- Here’s some annoying music that is even worse than Chinese water torture, to listen to.
- You’ll be lucky if you’re sane by the end of this.
- In actual fact you will be lucky to even get to speak to a real human being.
- We are all robots.
- With silly, patronising voices.
- Is that correct?
- We have no intentions of fixing your broadband connection.
- If you go outside of your house now, there is a bloke fiddling around on the corner, in the broadband box of tricks.
- He is the cause of all of your problems.
- Yes, him and him alone.
- Yes, he’s always there, isn’t he? as you wander past with your dog.
- He doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing.
- In fact he’s made it much worse just recently.
- Before you could sort of get a connection.
- Now you can’t.
- And when you do …it’s SO B****Y SLOW!
- We know.
- And we want you to know that we know.
- We just don’t know what to do about it!
- In the meantime, here’s some more music to go slowly mad by.
- We are now closed for business for the day.
- Yes, we know it is only 4pm, but we’re fed up and off to the pub.
- We’ll be open for business, as usual tomorrow.
- You could try checking out our website to see if we can solve your internet connection problem there.
- The fact that you haven’t actually got an internet connection is totally irrelevant .
- We don’t care.
- We have your money.
- Sod off!
So, I need to calm down, before I even attempt to resolve this problem. Either that, or I can kidnap the bloke on the corner , the next time he is fiddling in his box. I can hold him to ransom, until they actually sort out this so – called b****y superfast , super-everything, in reality naff – all service!
You see…I’m swearing again. I haven’t needed to do that in a long time. They have caused this. They’ve got a lot to answer for. They’ve turned me into a foul – mouthed fisherwoman. [Where did the fish come into it? I live by the sea, you know!]
Anyway, I’ve just got to wait until this post is uploaded on to my blog.
For the record, I was actually 40 years of age when I first started to upload this and I’m now 54!
Now that’s SUPERFAST!
Thanks for stopping by and reading my rant. Have a good day and I hope your broadband works.
Until the next rant.